If you have found yourself crying a lot this month then it may be because Mercury has been in retrograde in Pisces since 5th March.
You may already know this but basically what this means is that shit gets weird. Mercury appears to be moving backwards east to west, contrary to its standard west-to-east orbit through the stars. Apparently, this f*cks things up on planet earth and sends things into disarray, with emotions heightened, mix-ups, delays, changes in thinking, relationships and tech and communication faults. When I found out that this is what’s happening and that I am not going completely mad, I was very relieved.
My retrograde kicked off with a good old fashioned Ikea argument with the boyf. We argued about a queue which led to us both not speaking for hours and me drinking 3 bottles of wine with a friend whilst talking bollocks and smoking straight fags (which I haven’t done in years). I spent the next day feeling like dog shit clinging to a human shoe.
That night I dreamt I got married and forgot to put out any decorations and all my family refused to help. In the morning I awoke and decided to paint my porch bright pink. The next day my wee smelt of popcorn and I spent the rest of the day thinking I had diabetes. Not because I had been painting the porch pink but probably from the 4 gallons of wine I drank the night before. At the doctors, I was told I had a kidney infection and was put on antibiotics. The antibiotics worked after 3 days and the bathroom no longer smells like a cinema.
I went to a dinner party and couldn’t speak like I actually just lost the ability to form speech. I cried when I saw a newborn baby. I tried to meditate and ended up drinking wine and crying, reminiscing my childhood spent listening to David Bowie. I cried over Dancing on Ice and sobbed for an hour over Netflix’s The After Life. I spent most days worrying about the imminent arrival of wasps coming back as it’s warmer now and night time was spent worrying about axe murderers getting in through the back door or the side window depending, on what tools they have with them at the time.
One night, I went and brought some cheese to comfort myself. This was shortly followed by a huge power cut. I couldn’t see or eat the cheese. There was the night when Facebook and Instagram stopped working and my life was over. I tried the 5.2 diet, it lasted for a day and I was invincible until the next day when I ate two burgers and 3 Toblerones. I went for a run and decided I was an athlete, only to never run again. And finally, this week, I am attacked by a queen wasp in the pink porch whilst the boyfriend was out. I hid in the bathroom for an hour. How was your retrograde?