GETTING TRUFFLED

Recently I decided to replace wine with Truffle Oil.

So these days instead of getting trollied I get truffled and it’s utterly magical.

A mini bottle of the luxurious Truffle Oil can thrust any basic meal into Michelin star status. Hence why, when frequenting Wetherspoons iv’e now replaced the hip flask of Pinot with Truffle Oil so I can scatter it all over my pasta bake.
Suddenly as the aroma swirls around me I’m not in Whetherspoons anymore I’m in the prestigious land of Truffle where everything is glamorous and truffled including the toothless bloke in the corner who I am now trying hard to resist. If there was a perfumed version of Truffle I would wear it all over my body. I would essentially Truffle myself.
Everything smells and tastes better once truffled. I remember my first encounter with Truffle in a restaurant when I ordered Gnocchi with Truffle sauce. As soon as I smelt it, I knew I was hooked. You can have it on, cheese bites, Polenta, pizza, scrambled egg, Popcorn, cheese on toast, lasagne, sometimes I have it on my cereal but the very best is on French fries with grated parmesan. This concoction will blow your brains.
It’s expensive, well the same price as a bottle of vino and like vino the more you spend the better it is, except Truffle oil doesn’t make you fall asleep in the street whilst sending sexts. waking up the next day feeling and looking like a dried out, shrivelled testicle, in fact it makes you feel quite the opposite, like an upmarket, classy testicle.
But could truffles be under threat? Living in the UK with all this Brexit business and Truffles originating mainly from France and Italy, will there be a shortage of Truffles? And if so what am I supposed to do? Can I start growing truffles in my front garden?
I know Truffles are notoriously hard to farm but there must be a way?!?!
Traditionally they are found and dug out by dogs and pigs, I have neither. Surely if I know where I planted them, then I can just wait for whatever period of time it is I need to wait and then hope the neighbours don’t spot me on my hands and knees carefully digging at the dirt like a desperate feral child.
This won’t work. I’ll have to move to France, but I don’t speak French. The pig’s and dog’s there won’t understand me, they won’t know to get me truffles. What to do? Does anyone want to set up a UK truffle farm with me and we can roll around like pig’s getting truffled off our tit’s all day?

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