WHEN I GO FOR A SMEAR TEST I CHANNEL MY INNER GEMMA COLLINS
If the GC can face the embarrassment of stacking it 3 times on TV and make it look good, I can cope with an awkward little rummage down below in the privacy of the NHS.
From her early days in TOWIE to Dancing On Ice, GC Fever has continued to grow. She’s the ultimate diva, a bombshell of glitter, confidence, guts and glamour, in a sparkly world of spa treatments, Harrods shopping sprees and brandys on ice.
I’ve never been one for spa and beauty treatments. The closest I get to a treatment is having my eyes tested once a year in Specsavers.
I want to earn a GC Divaship, so when my reminder letter for my smear test came though, I thought, here’s my chance. Ok, I know it’s not Champneys but it’s the closest I’m gonna get on zero budget and I’m doing it in true GC style. If anyone can have a smear test and make it look glam it’s the GC.
Gemma once confessed she spent £2000 on her designer vagina. The most I’ve spent is £30 on a Vajazzle. I couldn’t afford both the wax and the Vajazzle, but at least some of the jewels are visible. Maybe it’s not designer but I’ll settle with high street vagina for the purpose of this experiment.
In her book ‘How to be A Diva’ she say’s a diva knows what she likes and what she likes is often pink and fabulous. So, I whack on my best pink outfit, tan and lashes and here I come, the doctors surgery won’t know what’s hit them. Like Gemma, I’m not walking, f*ck that. I’m getting an Uber.
As I enter the waiting room and take off the shades, a few heads turn as they see me standing there in my pink dress, heels and bling. As I look around the room I think to myself, ain’t none of you getting any of this candy!
I sit down. Unfortunately there are only magazines to read and in the style of the GC I’m a big fan of the dictionary.
I’m called in and the nurses can feel the GC fever. I lie back and watch the multi coloured lights from my Vajazzle reflecting on the ceiling and I feel fabulous. Would have been even better if they could have waxed it too but It’s not awkward, uncomfortable or embarrassing at all, accept for when I stack it on the way out. Thanks Gemma! I think I’ll channel you more often, not just on special occasions.