BATHING INSTEAD OF BOOZING

Since quitting the boozing, I now spend more time bathing. At this time of year, it’s a great base to relax, get warm, plan your attack on the world and kick anxiety in the cunt.

If I could I would spend my life in the bath. Lot’s of important business can be done in the bath, you’re in a more relaxed state so your brain works better.

Winston Churchill used to work a lot from the bath, he would dictate important information to his secretary as she stood outside the door. I tried this once with my boyfriend when I shouted out for Pina Colada (Mocktail). He was having none of it though. I to conduct a lot of business in the bath. I did all my Christmas shopping in the bath from my laptop on my new DIY ‘bath table’ whilst blowing bubbles and shaving my leg’s. I wonder if whilst running the country from his bath, Winston was also shaving his balls?

Why shower when you can lie down and get clean instead? Also, a bath is an ‘event’, it’s a date with yourself. Time to reflect, listen to your thoughts or a Podcast, my favs are Ctrl Alt Delete, The High Low @dollyalderton @pandorasykes Dear Viv, Project love @loveprojectlove and Home @hipsobriety @thetemper

It’s treating yourself with time and candles and rolling about in essential oils, it’s as lovely as a date in Claridges, unlike the shower which in comparison is the dating equivalent of a quick shag in the toilets at Nando’s.

Talking of Nando’s, a bath is probably the one place you can feel relaxed whilst eating a whole plate of sticky chicken wing’s, corn on the cob or a powdered doughnut, so order it in and get filthy whilst getting clean. If eating noodles, be careful where they go if they should fall into the bath. Nothing worse than being clean and fresh with a bum hole full of noodles.

I think business meetings and Skype calls should all be made in the bath as this is when I am at my most glamorous and empowered bathing in a pool of bubbles, but lock the door! There’s nothing worse than someone coming in to literally take a dump on your parade.

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