If you don’t know who Derren Brown is, he is a master of trickery, mind control & psychological illusion. Entertainer a speaker, a miracle worker and he’s even written a book about how you to be happy. Imagine bringing him home to the parents?
You could spend your days rinsing the casinos. No need for the day job now the Big D’s around.
Spend your evening’s talking to the dead. No need to bother with the living anymore.
You could walk into your day job and shout BOLLOCKS at the top of your voice, grab your stuff and piss in the lift on your way out and then Big D can convince them into believing nothing happened.
He can hypnotise your friends into thinking you did attend all the social events you couldn’t be arsed to turn up to. Imagine how much of your life you would get back?
You would be safe. Even when Derren Brown got mugged he managed to confuse the mugger with his wizardly way with words. Who’s the mug now?
No more sulking or vying for your partner’s attention Derren can read your mind and knows what you want or need even before you do. Just don’t ever cheat on him or you’ll be strapped to a roulette table whilst he lobs knives at your barnet. But then why would you ever cheat?
He can teach you how to rob a bank and then say it’s not your fault. Grab some brunch and then heist it at Nationwide
He would get rid of all your phobias. No more running from wasps or cowering from cotton wool. Winning!
He can heel you. You’d never suffer a common cold again. Yeah FUCK YOU Lemsip
And when you get old together you can spend your days in Paddy Power and your evening’s talking to your dead mates. Where do I sign?