After watching the new BBC Sitcom Ghosts, it really got me thinking about life as a ghost and how I feel they are getting it all wrong.
Ghosts seem to spend a lot of time moping about, flickering lights, making rooms cold, switching things on and off and moving objects about. My friend has a ghost called Mandy. She says every time she hoovers Mandy turns the hoover off at the plug. She says it’s a nightmare when she’s vacuuming the stairs because she has to plug the hoover in upstairs and then has to keep going up and down the stairs to turn it back on each time Mandy turns it off. I’m sorry but come on Mandy there must be better ways to use your time.
Apparently, the waiting room of my local doctor’s surgery is haunted. I mean I know the NHS waiting times are bad, but that’s taking the piss. Presumably, she never got her appointment. I had a ghost in my last gaff, he kept opening the cutlery drawer. Pointless. I think if you are going to just rattle around the house then you need to make yourself useful. Take the bins out once in a while, load the dishwasher, change the bog roll. A friend of mine uses her ghost to her advantage. He haunts the spare room. It’s always icy cold, so now she stores all the wine in there. We always head to hers for a perfectly chilled bottle of Whispering Angel. Another friend of mine think’s the salon she works in is haunted as the hairdryers keep turning themselves on randomly. Come on, put the hair dryers down and start living your best afterlife.
Take full advantage of living rent-free, travelling for free, eating for free. No need to sleep, shower or contour anymore. You have all the time to finally live footloose and fancy-free without being judged. You could spy on people, help people, go on a cruise, live at Number 10 or masturbate in the street. Or the road, you’re dead so no need to check both ways anymore. My mate’s garage is haunted. Why would you haunt a garage, when you could haunt the backstage area for Magic Mike? Or finally, find out what the hell is going on at Area 51?
Apparently, Simon Cowell’s £15 million mansions haunted, by the gay lover of a Roman Emperor. To me, this suggests that ghosts are staying within their classes. This seems silly. Surely the working class ghosts would now upgrade their haunting to a palace or penthouse. If I lived in a haunted mansion I would fully expect it to be haunted by ghosts on benefits.
If I were a ghost I would enjoy all the benefits of jetting around the world haunting business class and villas in Marbella. Forget the woman in black, id be the ghost of Nikki Beach and I wouldn’t even need to bother with sunscreen.