healthy spit roast detox cleanse colonic irrigation vitamin drip

HEALTHY SPIT ROAST

After too much festive fun and entering this year looking like a camels ballbag, I decided to start the new year with a juice diet and detox, but this is hard work. So you can imagine my excitement when someone mentioned that you could do both in one 45 minute session.

My mate suggested we get hooked up to a vitamin IV drip, which fills your body with vitamins and minerals and at the same time we have a colonic irrigation, which fills up the back passage with water and flushes out all the bad stuff still lurking about in the colon and intestinal tract.

So for 45 minutes, you’re on all fours, being filled from both ends whilst detoxing and losing the Christmas bulge. Kind of a healthy spit roast.

Ok you’re not actually on all fours, you do lie on your side apparently and yes, it’s not the most dignified way to start the new year, but I’d take a needle in my arm and a tube up the bum over 45 mins on the treadmill any day of the week.

I’m fine with needles, they don’t bother me so that’s good but I’ve never really had much up the arse. What if I can’t take it? My friend reassures me by explaining that the tube will be stationary in the rectum, so it won’t be anything like being fisted for 45 minutes (my initial thought). What if all the stuff I’ve consumed doesn’t fit in the tube and it explodes? What if I explode?

Luckily the stuff comes out in the form of yellowy gunk, rather than coming out whole which would be very embarrassing, like the conveyer belt on the Generation Game, oh here comes a Christmas pudding…3 packets of Monster Munch . . . and a cuddly toy.

A colonic costs between £60 and £100 and a vitamin IV drip can cost anything from £75 to £3000, depending on what package you go for. So for my first session, I could be spending around £200 which isn’t bad for a good old rummage and clear out.

What happens to the yellow gunk? Maybe it’s great for compost? Or could double up as great moisturiser?

Another thing I worry about is the etiquette of a spitroast, how should one behave during and after the event? I’m not sure I could make direct eye contact with someone as they drain my arse, and what do you say at the end? ‘’Thanks for that. Ok bye.’’

One way of avoiding the awkward small talk and cost is to do it yourself for a few quid. One bloke did it by Gaffa taping a hosepipe to an old-school bottle of Fairy liquid, shoving the other end of the hosepipe up his arse, and giving the Fairy bottle a big ol’ squeeze. True Story. (Don’t try this at home.)

Perhaps I could attach a hose to the kitchen tap and lie on the sofa then when I’m ready I’ll get my boyfriend to turn the tap. But how much should he turn the tap? What if he was to turn it the whole way and I’m propelled through the sky, on a rocket of shit? I can’t have this.

It can’t be good for you in the long run. Filling our bodies with a load of rubbish and then taking over the cleansing process as well with colonics and drips. Surely it’s best to just let the liver and kidneys do their job? Maybe It’s like in an office when your boss piles more and more work onto your desk and then tries to micromanage you at the same time, eventually staff start to leave.

I think I might leave it for this year, or maybe I’ll just start with the drip, like the spit without the roast. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more ready for the hose next year.

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